Adoption is Not Easy, Pt 3 : My Son is Hurting

So now I get to the part of the story where the movies would portray Josh as being won over by our unselfish love and undying persistence at parenting exactly the way he needs.  Our wisdom would, in fact, be so great I would just instinctively know exactly what he needs, what to say, how to answer his questions, etc.  And of course, the answers that I give would bring Joshua, Jessica and Hannah complete peace and they would move forward with their lives with little to no issues stemming from their early traumatic life.

Enter: Reality.

Joshua and Jessica both have questions.  There are no easy answers. And certainly none that leaves them feeling "at peace" with the whole situation. Well, at least not for Joshua.  Jessica is very happy and well adjusted.  Josh struggles.

Joshua and I had a very hard conversation this past week.  For the past 3 years I've struggled with knowing whether this new kid of mine was depressed or just solemn.  Not having had him since birth and not knowing what he is like other than what he's shown me here at my home, it's difficult to gauge what is "his personality" as opposed to what is genuine "depression".  After our conversation this past week, I'm convinced he's depressed.

Our conversation began with me making a casual comment to him that he seemed sad to me.  He told me that he was sad because he misses his birth mom a lot.  Our conversation continued with me saying he seemed sad quite often. He admitted he was.  He said he often fantasizes that his birth parents are here with him.  He also admitted that sometimes when he's sad, he goes into his room to be alone and when he finally comes out, he often wants to just go right back in there because he's so sad. 

At one point, Josh said he was still thinking about his foster family he lived with before us and how he went turkey hunting with the foster dad and got to pick a carrot right out of the ground.

When I asked Joshua why he was sad, one of the reasons he told me was because his parents were all alone and sad because they weren't with him.  This was one of the things his birth mother told him right before the visits were ended.  While I understand why she said it and I don't think understood the ramifications this would have on her children.  They worried about their birth mom being sad from that time forward.  I think Jessica no longer worries about that....Joshua obviously still struggles.

So this is when I decided to have the hard conversation with Joshua that I hope was the right thing to do.  I told Joshua his parents are not real sad about them not being at home and they are certainly not alone.  And I told him the truth about why I believed that; they were going to parties right before we adopted them and they were doing drugs there at the parties.  (I realize that many who do drugs are depressed, but apparently she was not so depressed that she couldn't still party.)

Often when children are adopted from foster care, especially when they are having trouble bonding, they will continue to think about the kind of parents they'd like to have. I told him that he was still "parent shopping" and he needed to stop that.  We don't turkey hunt, deer hunt or any other kind of hunting (except for my keys, lol).  We don't have time to hunt!  But WE are the parents that God placed him with as a 2nd family.  We are God's FIRST choice for a second family:) That means that God has a plan for him within our family and he needs to embrace that.  I don't for one minute think Joshua would really choose to be adopted by another family if he had a choice.  He is bonded (though not as much as I'd like) and I have no doubt that he loves us. But fantasizing about other families will only make him less content about the situation he's in.  And let's face it: If he's to be happy here, he must learn to happy with what he's got....material wise, family wise, and parents wise.

I asked Joshua if he feels like he is being disloyal to his parents if he allows himself to love us or be happy here.  And his answer was "sort of".  So to this, I told him he needed to give himself permission to be happy.  His parents were not going to be any happier because he was sad and his mom was moving on with her life.

The last thing I told him was the hardest, but my reason for telling him such harsh stuff is because he's not seeing reality for what it is and he's depressed because of it. I have to admit this is the hardest part.  I didn't want to ever say a single bad thing about them.  I wanted for him to draw his own natural conclusions about the entire situation, while simultaneously forgiving them, and coming to peace with us being his 2nd parents. Yes, that was my fantasy.  Enter: Reality's mean relative named "Reality Check". I see him suffering due to his own fantasies and own misunderstanding of the situation.  Sometimes a person can't see reality for what it is without the help of someone else. So,the last part of my reality check was to tell him that his parents made choices that were bad for them but also for HIM.  I told him that they could have chosen to not do drugs, but they didn't.  I told him that if they had chosen to quit doing drugs, he would have went back home to them but they didn't.  I told him over and over I love his parents and pray for them.  I reminded him frequently that we all make wrong choices and that no one is perfect. But I reminded him frequently that his sadness is natural but it's okay to love us both and be happy.  I reminded him that NONE of this is his fault.

I have to admit, I'm not so sure this was the right thing to do even if it is the truth.  I do not buy the whole, "addiction is a disease".  Even if it is a "disease" and I don't think it is, it is a disease that the addicted person chooses.  He's been living with these fantasies, false ideas and depression for 3 years. If your child's wrong ideas are making them depressed, how do you not try to help them face reality?  Still, I hope I did the right thing.

He has went to 2 different counselors before now and they both focused on his behavior and then said he didn't need counseling.  I knew something was not right with Josh but wasn't sure what it was. Joshua didn't like going anyhow and said he didn't want to go to the "talking doctors" when I took him before.

The bottom line?  Joshua told me he didn't want to be sad anymore but he didn't know how to quit being sad.  And he told me wanted to go to a "talking doctor" to help him learn how to quit being sad.  And this time, he asked for a male "talking doctor".

So maybe the talk was a good thing.