Adoption Is Not Easy, Part 2

*Disclaimer~I rarely do much editing till after I publish...and even then its sporadic.  Sometimes I add stuff later, and then realize I already said that.  Please forgive these discrepancies.

I previously told the beginning of our story here of how I came to adopt Joshua, Jessica, and Hannah. So if you want to read the background to this story, I'd highly recommend it.

Adoptions are never easy, and rarely fairytale-ish.  It always involves loss. The birth mother and father almost always suffer grief as they "lose" their child, whether it's a voluntary relinquishment or a forced termination of parental rights. And my son is still suffering from adoption. I have said a hundred times to people who don't understand his grief since he already has a "great" adoptive family (and incidentally, we're just a normal family...nothing real special about us!),"Josh's family had problems, but everyone has some loved one in their family who has 'problems' but we all love them any how. Joshua is no different.  He loves his birth parents and knows they gave him life.  He mourns the loss of his natural bond with his birth mother."  If I had been taken as a child from my family, and told "Your father is an alcoholic and he's abusive (this is true). Your mom is not protecting you the way WE think she should.  So here is a new family.  This is your "new" mom and dad.  They love you!  So forget about your old parents and embrace your new family.", I'd have told you, YOU'RE CRAZY.  Good, bad, or ugly, I loved BOTH of my parents and I would not have embraced a new family easily.  Often, all you hear about concerning adoption is the idealized adoption stories that are out there, but they do not always give a true and accurate vision of what it's like for so many kids.

When Joshua and his sisters were brought into foster care their birth family obviously had some problems.  Their mother was addicted to Meth and various prescription drugs.  Their home was considered "unfit" because of the filth.  They had no electricity or water. Their dad was often away working, but he couldn't keep a steady job and they moved constantly.  Their relatives had gotten tired of their antics and had severed all ties with them.  So when DFACS stepped in, the baby was only 10 days old, Jessica was 2 and Joshua was 4.  Josh was still not potty trained and he could not talk discernibly.  My husband and I were only doing "respite" or short term foster care at the time because my mother-in-law had cancer and lived several hours away.  We wanted to be free to leave the state to go see her or help when needed.  DFACS asked us if we'd be willing to keep these little ones for a few days while they prepared to move them to their "permanent" foster family.  We agreed.  We were the first family that they came to when they entered foster care. I thank God that I took pictures during this time and got a few pictures of each of them.  I was exhausted due to rocking my poor babies to sleep as they cried, missing their birth mommy.  Jessica was old enough to understand that she wasn't "home" but not old enough to really talk to.  Joshua couldn't even communicate with us and really didn't know what was going on.  Hannah was the only one who took it in stride and she (obvious to me) had some severe tummy issues from her formula intolerance (something that the caseworkers refused to listen to me about...they insisted her horrible rash was from "neglect" in changing her diaper. Turned out that I was right!  Hannah had to be put on a special formula and Zantac for acid reflux after she left my home)  I *almost* decided to get quit doing foster care all together after they left because I was SO upset about not being able to help them understand or lessen their fear.  Jessica was fearful of everyone except me and Sarah. Josh was aloof but obviously nervous.  It was painful to watch as a human and as their foster parents. They left my home in just 4 short days....something I've always regretted.

A year later, my mother-in-law had passed away and our home was empty of foster children.  Then we got the call. Read the background on that in the previous story!  It was amazing to see how God worked things out! Josh came to live with me on May 20, 2008 as a foster-to-adopt child.  I cried buckets of tears out of joy and gratefulness to the Lord for answering my prayers so directly.  But still, I knew that "foster-to-adopt" means "high risk" placement. It means that the parents still have their rights but that the parents have had over a year to meet the requirements of DFACS to get their children back.  They had not accomplished their goals in the amount of time that they had been given, one year. So foster-to-adopt means that the parents are in danger of losing their rights, in which case the children would be free for adoption and need a "forever family".  The state then works simultaneously on both reunification with birth family AND on finding them an adoptive family.

I was thrilled to have these new blessings under my roof but still, my heart was sad for Joshua from day one.  He would ask me, "How much longer before I can go home?"  I would always tell him I didn't know but we could pray for it.  He didn't believe in prayer.  Or God.  He said God wasn't real but still he would pray...just in case. He'd tell me, "My mama has to work hard and then I can go home."  He always thought ultimately, he'd go home to be with his birth parents. 

As the case progressed, the parents seemed to be doing somewhat well.  His birth mom had been staying clean for while and they were in a home that she was keeping clean (one of the requirements of them going home).  The dad was working steadily out of town.  He didn't come to visits. He wasn't fulfilling the drug testing requirements, but he'd not tested positive for drugs at all when he had been tested. DFACS was kind of overlooking this because they were doing well over all. 

I felt so bad for him that I prayed that his birth parents would "get it right".  I prayed that God would save them and help them conquer their problems.  I prayed for Joshua so hard. He'd already suffered so much.  From the time he entered our home the first time, he was in 4 different foster homes before he came back to ours, permanently.  For an entire year, he was moved from home to home!  No wonder he wanted to go back to his birth parents!

I was so in love with these kids, I wanted their birth family to "get it right" so their children could come home...for the children's sake.  But one day, I got a call from their caseworker, and she said that their mom had tested positive for cocaine.  She was livid and said she was done with them.  She was pursuing a TPR (termination of parental rights).  She said, "I was going to return these kids in less than a month and they blew it."  At this point, my heart was turning back flips.  I loved these children dearly.  God had answered every prayer I'd had. I knew this and had recognized the incredible way God had answered my prayers.  But after getting these sweet children, I hoped that God would make the parents stay clean, get saved and be safe so they could have their "happily ever after".  God knew when He placed them with me what would happen. Not of this took Him by surprise.  He had a plan for Joshua and it included us.  I cried because I was thrilled to hear they'd be mine for ever.  But I cried even more because I knew how sad Josh would be.  I cried for their birth mother, because I knew how hard this would be on her too.  No one wakes up one day and says, "I think I'll get addicted to drugs today."

If there was one thing I wish I knew it's how to eliminate the abuse of drugs and alcohol in this country.  It's destroying millions of people here in the USA.  Kids are suffering. Parents are suffering.  The kicker is that the selfish cling to their "right" to smoke marijuana legally.  They cling to their "right" to drink alcohol legally, even while pregnant.  As a nation we need to wake up. We need Jesus. What am I doing to be a light in the world...to bring Jesus to this nation full of people on their way to hell?